Parenting in a social dilemma filled with devices

Children born today will not know a life without their devices.

Screen Addiction is the symptom, not the root cause. The root cause is the loss of connection.

How many of us experience that moment of extreme tension when getting our children to come off their devices?

These apps are designed to be addictive, that is the motivation of a lot of the designers. Not all games are designed this way but a lot of them are. So what do we do as loving parents to support our children and more importantly to support ourselves to deal with this challenge?

Well primarily we have to resource ourselves fully to be the best parents we can be. This is easy to say of course but more tricky in practice. It is one thing to intend to look after ourselves but when we actually want to instil well being practises into our moment to moment existence this is another thing and a life long journey. Being a role model for our children is the best way to go, showing them how to look after themselves.

Here are some of Jennifer Pidgeon from Let’s Connect and Feel Better’s tips for parents when dealing with screen-addicted children:

These 4 tools are for the “point of taking them off” their device:

1. Have a fun distraction ready

It may sound mad but I always have a treat or a good film ready for my daughter and I to share when she comes off her Ipad. These are two ways my daughter and I connect currently although I would prefer them to be going for a walk or doing yoga together (she is a preteen). In the past, we would bake a cake or we would play with playdough. Depending on where you are with your child offer this connection to them when they come off their device.

2. Give your child pre-warning to transition, make eye contact with them (5 minutes left)

Dis-connecting from the intense energy of their device is a big shift for their nervous system so letting them know beforehand will help prevent potent arguments. There are times when my daughter is more willing to come off her Ipad and times when she is charged for an argument. Arguments and disagreement are not something new between parents and children. Our children are making massive connections through their device, through gaming, social media and YoutTube for example so this is very powerful. So they are open to the whole of the internet potentially, the good, the bad and the ugly. This is a lot for parents to contend with especially as we did not grow up with the Internet so it’s relatively new for us.

3. Remain calm and prepare your self to connect with your child

If you have had a challenging day at work, or a thumping headache all day then you are not going to be in the best place to connect fully with your child. Give yourself forgiveness and compassion, you are trying your best. When we do not have the capacity to deal with the transition our children go through then this can be a testing time for your parenting. As I said previously this journey to maintaining consistent well-being for ourself can sometimes take some conscious effort for us. Taking up regular exercise, eating well, surrounding ourselves with loving friends and family and getting regular breaks is so important for our parenting. This is partly why I created the Screen Harmoniser and Healing Programmes for parents – to highlight to parents how important self-care is to your parenting.

4. Phone a friend to listen to you beforehand or during this transition

I use this tool every night usually around the time where I ask my daughter to come off her IPad or just beforehand. I will phone a friend or loved one to fill myself up with support and connection before then facing the task of taking my daughter off her IPad. Within most of the parenting methodologies I have used, there is always a big focus on creating a support network around yourself. Sometimes the time of transition has become so challenging that I have phoned my mum or friend crying about feeling so fed up of this struggle every day. For me, this was an extremely effective tool to loosen up tension in the home.

These 5 tools are for the “longterm preparation” on how to manage Screen Addiction generally:

1. Build a connection

This is a big one clearly and covers a lot. So what is it to build connection? Connection starts with us, it starts with how we feel in ourselves as a human being. It is only once we are fully resourced that we can then help another especially our child. Assuming we are full up in our own well being – how do we then build a connection with our children? We play with them, we join them in their fun activities and we allow them to be who they are. Sometimes when we become parents we have to remember how to play and this is difficult when we are also looking after everything too. Personally, I exercise every day, sometimes it’s a walk in the park and sometimes it’s a hardcore work out session depending on how I’m feeling. I also attempt to eat highly nutritious foods and keep the junk food on the low side. I make an effort to connect with loved ones daily and to take time out to meditate and do hobbies I love, I get out in Nature a lot too.

2. Prepare friends who you can phone.

This is about building on your existing strong relationships and if you feel you do not have strong relationships then this may require more inner work for you. When we can open up to others about our struggles it then allows a deeper connection within the relationship. Tell people what is going on at home with your addictions and speaking up helps to open up a world of healing for you. Sometimes I find just asking for help is all that is needed and then what you need appears.

3. Have a fun distraction prepared

This tool is for when you have the capacity, you can prepare something fun to do with your children for when they come off their screens. Such as some drawing pencils and nice paper ready to draw or have a pack of cards ready to play a snap. Yes, of course, your child may throw the cards everywhere or walk off in a huff but the intention is there which is important. We need to remember how addictive these games and platforms are and how much our children have to deal with on their devices sometimes. So when they come off the device they may be holding a lot of built-up stress in their bodies or upset from last week! My daughter and I will sometimes bake a cake or she will read a book on her own, sometimes we watch a nice film together with tea and biscuits.

4. Make sure you’ve had a fulfilled day

Getting our child off the screen can just feel like another job to do just like hanging up the washing or cleaning the toilet. So try to make sure you’ve had a fulfilled day and if you haven’t then why haven’t you? And is there something you can do to change that? And if there is not is there something within you that can be calmed and soothed? If you are stressed out on a regular basis then this can seep into our home lives and affect our children and so on.

5. Set limit beforehand and reach out

In regards to where and when your child has their device, I find just setting a simple time limit very helpful. This will be different for every family to fit with how everyone moves throughout their day.

For example, I aim to get my daughter off her IPad by 8 pm on weekdays and by 9 pm on weekends, this is different when she is at her grandparents for example or with her friends. Through lockdown, these limits went out the window completely for obvious reasons which meant chaos for both of us.

Generally now by eight, I am trying to lure her off her IPad. At 8 pm I begin to connect more with my daughter. I offer her a snack or dinner if we haven’t had it yet. Tell her about what I’m doing and I also remind her that it’s time to come off her IPad. I try not to be physical because this has not worked out well in the past. Sometimes when she is very fixated I will go for a mini walk to calm me down more before setting the limit, for those with little ones this may not be feasible.